Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Weekly Recap

Okay, one negative of a four day week is that you have to do five days worth of work in just four days. I am exhausted so here is a quick recap.

I opened the blog up to my Face Book account and I have received nothing but positive feedback. A couple of the emails gave me the validation I needed since I contemplated on whether to open the blog to everyone or not. It is weird but it is nice to know that their are other people out there who feel the same way and are in a similar situation.

Last night was our second appointment at the Caring Place. I said all of two, maybe three sentences and I had to interrupt just to say that. I think one of the counselors noticed my frustration and asked "Bill, you have been quite tonight". I wanted to respond with "well, I really have nothing in common with anyone else in the room so there isn't much for me to say. Instead, I said, "I just do not have much to talk about tonight".

Here is the real reason why...
One -- I am a man and everyone else in the room is a woman.

Two -- I am younger than anyone else in the room that has lost a spouse

Three -- I listened to two woman talk about their spouses and how angry they are. I am not least not at Jen.

Four -- I also listened to these two woman talk about how God was looking out for them.

I do NOT want to get into a philosophical discussion about God and I am just letting it go...

I am torn about what to write. Opening up the blog has been great - more people are finding it, but I am also cautious about what to write.
Their is so much that I want to write...and look out because I feel a monumental entry in the making. This weekend, with Easter on the way I am sure the emotions will be running high. Translation = Easter holiday, memories, my mind racing so I am sure I will have plenty to write.

Here is a Sneak Preview...

- Jen dying IS the defining moment of my life...I refuse to let it be my girls defining moment in their young lives.

- I am addressing my at a time.

- I WILL be happy again...I think that sort of says it all...I WILL be happy again.

Yeah...I have a lot to write about...


  1. So, you could have bet a million bucks that I would comment on this one. Fortunately for me, you didn't, and had you, I wouldn't have accepted the bet.

    I don't want to engage you in a philosphical debate about God either, but I'll say this...

    1) Believe it or not, God IS looking out for you. Jen is looking out for you. He has a plan. They have a plan. And I believe that deep down inside you might be starting to feel a slight hint that God just might be on your side. There are a lot of signs. I don't know why he took Jen away, but either God or Jen seem to be guiding you in a positive direction.

    Second, since I have the privilege of being your friend, I can back up your claim of not having much in common with others in the room. You have definitely taken the high road in your blog related to this subject. I commend you for continuing to give TCP a chance - if not for you, for the kids.

    Easter is going to suck I am sure. Do what you can to relish the memories and keep them in a positive light as you mourn and grieve. Remember that Easter is about a man who suffered and died so that we can have better lives on earth and in heaven. God's will was for Him to die, and because of that tragic event, we are all better for it. No one can give you any answer that will make you feel that God "did right by you" in taking away Jen. But when I think about why God took away my loved ones, though I can't find a good answer, my faith tells me to believe that it is all part of His plan. And as much as it sucks, I think about the fact that He knew what he was doing 2010 years ago when He took away that 37 year old man.

    In itself, the days leading up to Easter are meant to be solemn and full of reflection. I pray that you and the girls have the strength to make it through the weekend, and find some happiness on Sunday; a reason to celebrate and be happy.

    Sorry for preaching. You know that I don't do it often. You don't need to start praying to God. I will keep praying for you. In time, you will too.

    Keep on blogging - and as always, just say the word - I am here for you.

  2. Ya, I don't think religion should be here, its 2010 and not everyone is christian. Have you researched religion outside of your church, you may be suprised at the information thats available that wasn't just 100 years ago. It would be a shame if someone came to get help, and found this attack on their religion. FS if you want to be a friend, respect the wishes of your friend. Otherwise you only care about your agenda. Not to mention, we're about to get in an arguement about religion already, and I don't think that is an efficient use of the resource. I won't write about this again because it's a waste of the space that could help someone.

  3. Yeah, maybe I crossed the line a bit.

    Sorry to offend you and anyone who doesn't share my beliefs. As noted, I'm not typically a preacher. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.

    I am just trying to be a good friend to a someone who is a good friend to me. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers too Cody. As I told Bill, I have no idea what it feels like to be in his or your shoes.

    I am just trying to be there to support my friend.

  4. I think that you can say you will be happy again is a big step in the right direction and puts you way ahead of many others (not that this is a race).

    As for the Caring Place, can you just drop the girls off and go to Max and Erma's (is that place still there?) or somewhere else? It sounds as if you have given it a fair shake, so maybe just move on. But consider other avenunes (not sure what they would be, though).

  5. This "caring place" was set up as a container of ideas just as any other self-help scenario. The best way to approach it is that everything won't apply to you. And thats ok. You only have to take what works. It may not be said today or even in 4 months but it would be a shame to miss something just because it was hidden. Also, what if you walked in and there was a man, who had sat there and tolerated it, because you might walk in? You could be that guy, and you might pick up some thing that helps on the way. It's hard to be positive I know, but as pioneers of a sort, we are burdened with showing a way to get to the light even when all is dark.

  6. Well said FS!!! Never give up on telling people about Jesus!!! I am glad you said what you did!! We all are entitled to say what we feel and you did an AWESOME job of it!! Amen!!

  7. Two comments -

    Although this IS a defining moment remember you will have more - good and bad.

    I LOVE the fact you say I WILL be happy again. I said the same thing when I lost my son and it has come true.


Inside Bill's Head -- Previously Known as (Inside the Head of a Grieving Single Dad)

In August of 2009 my wife Jennifer passed away from an Anaplastic Astrocytoma Brain Tumor. She was only 38 years old. She left me and our two little girls Abbie and Allie to continue life’s journey.

I promised her that I would NOT become angry and bitter about what order to do that I am attempting to write to express my thoughts and feelings.

This site is a place where I can express my thoughts, feelings and rants...