Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Mind...and Dreams


It's weird how the mind works, processes and operates. What I refer to as the "recall moments" are overly abundant. I don't just mean the songs on the radio or the movies on TV, that is too obvious. It's the moments that you wouldn't expect that really catch you. Maybe it's an outfit that someone is wearing, or someone walking by that laughs and it sounds all too familiar. It could be as simple as a single word that triggers a memory.

The timing is also very unpredictable. I can be in a meeting, on a conference call or just having a discussion with someone and something triggers a memory. The memory could be from a year ago or 15 years ago - their doesn't seem to be any patterns or rhyme or reason. One thing that really eats away at me is the dreams...or lack thereof.


When my grandmother passed away I went to see her back in NJ a few weeks before she died. I told her to remain strong and continue to fight. She couldn't speak but her eyes said it all...she was ready to go. I whispered into her ear that it would be "alright, everything would be okay". Shortly after she died I had a very vivid dream. She (my grandmother) told me that she was "okay". I remember telling Jen about the dream and how real it seemed.

It's been over three months since Jen passed and I haven't had any dreams of her. I rarely even remember dreaming at all anymore, which is odd because I have always had the ability to recall my dreams in specific detail after I would wake up in the morning. I want...I need to have that dream where she tells me she's "okay" and yet it hasn't happened.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Fast Forward

December 6, 2009

The house is decorated for Christmas inside and out. I'm doing my best in attempting to make this a good Christmas for the girls, but my heart just isn't into it. Where to start...well, Thanksgiving was tough, emotional, draining a roller coaster of downs and downs...very tough indeed. I was hoping that going back to New Jersey for the holiday would distract me and keep my mind occupied. It turns out that NJ has just and many ghosts as the Burgh. You can wander, float and try to run but memories catch you no matter where you go.

The girls had fun seeing all their cousins, so overall the trip was good for them. I did get to see some old friends, which was nice, but also made me's very hard to explain. If I could use a fast forward button...I would. I wish it were the middle of January and the holidays were over.

A year ago this weekend Jen and I went to the Steelers / Cowboys game at Heinz field. The people that I work with gave me the tickets. It was so cold...10 degrees at kickoff with a -5 wind chill factor. Jen went even though she had chemo only five days prior. She wouldn't even discuss not going. I bundled her up and made sure she stayed as warm as possible. We left at halftime and watched the rest of the game from home. The picture I posted is one of my all-time favorites. Looking back now I can't believe it was only a year ago.

Inside Bill's Head -- Previously Known as (Inside the Head of a Grieving Single Dad)

In August of 2009 my wife Jennifer passed away from an Anaplastic Astrocytoma Brain Tumor. She was only 38 years old. She left me and our two little girls Abbie and Allie to continue life’s journey.

I promised her that I would NOT become angry and bitter about what order to do that I am attempting to write to express my thoughts and feelings.

This site is a place where I can express my thoughts, feelings and rants...