The MIND
It's weird how the mind works, processes and operates. What I refer to as the "recall moments" are overly abundant. I don't just mean the songs on the radio or the movies on TV, that is too obvious. It's the moments that you wouldn't expect that really catch you. Maybe it's an outfit that someone is wearing, or someone walking by that laughs and it sounds all too familiar. It could be as simple as a single word that triggers a memory.
The timing is also very unpredictable. I can be in a meeting, on a conference call or just having a discussion with someone and something triggers a memory. The memory could be from a year ago or 15 years ago - their doesn't seem to be any patterns or rhyme or reason. One thing that really eats away at me is the dreams...or lack thereof.
DREAMS
When my grandmother passed away I went to see her back in NJ a few weeks before she died. I told her to remain strong and continue to fight. She couldn't speak but her eyes said it all...she was ready to go. I whispered into her ear that it would be "alright, everything would be okay". Shortly after she died I had a very vivid dream. She (my grandmother) told me that she was "okay". I remember telling Jen about the dream and how real it seemed.
It's been over three months since Jen passed and I haven't had any dreams of her. I rarely even remember dreaming at all anymore, which is odd because I have always had the ability to recall my dreams in specific detail after I would wake up in the morning. I want...I need to have that dream where she tells me she's "okay" and yet it hasn't happened.
Bill, reading this reminds me of John Irving's "A Prayer for Owen Meany" ...
ReplyDelete"Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!"
It is okay that it isn't OKAY yet.