Sunday, April 4, 2010

Another Holiday

I can officially mark off another holiday...Easter. It actually was not as bad as I was anticipating. It seems to be a recurring theme and at some point, I need to modify my expectations and adjust accordingly. Meaning I seem to plan for the worse but somehow hope for the best. It just seems easier that way. My plan was to surround the weekend with friends and keep us as busy as possible to avoid any pitfalls.

I tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible. We had some friends over to dye eggs on Friday. In the kids Easter baskets, I put one thing from me and one thing from the E-Bunny. Every year Jen would buy the girls books (usually the Caldecott award winners) and give them to the girls for Easter so I carried on the tradition again this year. I gave them the books and the E-Bunny gave them Crocs (shoes). I hid eggs for them to find and even left a note and some carrots and not is a tradition so I made sure to do it again this year. The girls seem to have a good Easter so I feel as if I accomplished my mission. As for me, I am doing okay. It was easier then Christmas. Much easier then Jen's birthday so overall it was okay.

I am trying to figure out whether I am simply more accepting of the circumstance or just becoming numb to the situation at hand. Do not get me wrong, I continue to wear, and always will wear my heart on my sleeve, but I can feel a change inside. I hope that the change is a positive sign and not negative. I know that does not exactly sound positive, but it is what it is at the moment.

I think way too much and over analyze everything...believe me I wish I didn't. I wish I could just take "whatever" for what it's worth and go with it...but I can't. I desperately want to believe that this holiday thing is getting easier, BUT. I am dreading Mother's day...that sounds horrible, but it is the truth. I think without a doubt that it will be the most difficult of the holiday's to contend with. The girls have been awesome up to this point...absolutely awesome...I fear that Mother's day is where things fall apart.

It's been a long and busy weekend...I made it and that it all I was hoping for before it started. I guess I should take comfort in that fact that I did make it and the girls enjoyed it and be happy...Easter is done...another holiday to cross off the list.


  1. I'm sure this is all so difficult. I lost my Dad four years ago and that initial year is just a series of painful firsts (holidays / birthdays - just so hard). I'm sure having to keep your girls happy and not missing their beloved Mom so much is just very sad and trying. I can't imagine it. So touching that you carried on all the traditions from past Easters this year. Enjoy your week with your girls :-).

  2. Reading about the wonderful Easter traditions that Jen & you started for your girls warms the heart. I'm glad you wrote down that she would get them books, it shows her beautiful personality, and how much she thought out what would be good for Abbie & Allie. I don't feel you're over analyzing things, I think it helps everyone to go over experiences and figure out what works and what doesn't, and why. It's this way of thinking that we can become better. Lastly, I think sometimes there is a numbing feeling because the body is trying to be in 'protection mode', so it lets things in little by little, but being able to deal as great as you did with your family for this Holiday, shows a great strength.


Inside Bill's Head -- Previously Known as (Inside the Head of a Grieving Single Dad)

In August of 2009 my wife Jennifer passed away from an Anaplastic Astrocytoma Brain Tumor. She was only 38 years old. She left me and our two little girls Abbie and Allie to continue life’s journey.

I promised her that I would NOT become angry and bitter about what order to do that I am attempting to write to express my thoughts and feelings.

This site is a place where I can express my thoughts, feelings and rants...