In a Rut
I am in a damn rut and I just cannot get out. Things just seem bleak when you are in a rut. I like to think of myself as a semi-intelligent person, but ruts suck. I hate sitting around feeling sorry for myself...hate it! I have no energy to do anything or go anywhere. I have not replied to countless emails from folks inquiring and us (the girls and me) mainly because I do not know what to say. I have nothing to offer to anyone right now. I get up, go through the motions and come home. The only time I feel any sense of purpose is at work and I do not know if that is good or pathetic.
My senses seem duller, nothing seems to inspire or make me happy. I cannot fall asleep at a reasonable hour, I despise late night TV. I am actually taking a break from reading for a week or two...what I really want I cannot have. I want my fucking life back. The life I had three years ago...and I will never, ever get it back.
I asked someone else who had a spouse die how long until they felt "happy" again. By "happy", all I mean is feeling some sort joy or pleasure without feeling guilty or having this huge weight on your shoulders. Their reply was two-three years. Two to three years...that seems like an eternity to me...
Three Days in the Making
I started this entry three days ago and have been unable to finish it. Then I started thinking "why". Why can't I just finish the damn entry? It is because I am afraid to say what I am really feeling...so here it goes. I am pissed off. I am pissed that Jen died. I am pissed, mad, bitter, angry pick a word it really doesn't matter.
We were about to settle in what should be the best part of our lives. We both worked hard to get where we are at and we were due to settle in and enjoy life, our kids and each other. Instead, everything is totally turned upside down and it is just not fucking fair!
Now I am pissed off at the world and just about everyone in it. Again, I know that is not fair either and honestly don't care right about now. I just never imagined that life would turn out this way...
Hey Bill,
ReplyDeleteI wish that things like this wouldn't happen to great people. It just doesn't make sense at times, when you see some people that are cruel to others, & wonder why the happy ones couldn't stay together and be happy.
I read what you wrote about going through the closet of Jen's clothes. Harry & I went for the first time to work on his mom's apt. It's been 17 months for Harry, and we could barely stay for a few hours going through her things. There are many more hours to go... He has to go through everything, box it, donate it, or throw it away to get the Townhouse ready for sale. It has been just too painful for Harry to do before now...
I'm glad you're writing this down. The good and the bad, the ups and the downs. You're helping people in different walks of life, in different places in the world,to know they aren't the only ones with heavy hearts.
Anyway, like I said in my email, I hope getting outside, (PA weather permitting)and being outdoors might help a little... It has always helped me feel a bit better.
It's not fair. I have no words of REAL comfort for you except that I'm not sure "it gets better" is the right advice to give, but...it does get "different" - more manageable - not as much pain - more pure good memories. I know you're busy with your girls too, so... that can get hard - rewarding but tiring, and... overwhelming. Hang in there. I'm still so sorry for your loss.
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ReplyDeleteBill,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your note today. I loved your ideas on how my marathon can make a difference. I will be in touch on that soon.
I know that there is really nothing I can say to ease your pain – I wish there was. I remember being at the memorial service along with all your family and friends who truly care about you. I know I was not the only one who was very moved by your courage and who wished so much to be able to find the right words to offer – then and now. I also know how much our presence meant to you and please know that we – along with so many other who truly care - are here for you now.
Hang in there and again, know that you have so many people pulling for you.