Sunday, April 25, 2010
I am in a damn rut and I just cannot get out. Things just seem bleak when you are in a rut. I like to think of myself as a semi-intelligent person, but ruts suck. I hate sitting around feeling sorry for myself...hate it! I have no energy to do anything or go anywhere. I have not replied to countless emails from folks inquiring and us (the girls and me) mainly because I do not know what to say. I have nothing to offer to anyone right now. I get up, go through the motions and come home. The only time I feel any sense of purpose is at work and I do not know if that is good or pathetic.
My senses seem duller, nothing seems to inspire or make me happy. I cannot fall asleep at a reasonable hour, I despise late night TV. I am actually taking a break from reading for a week or two...what I really want I cannot have. I want my fucking life back. The life I had three years ago...and I will never, ever get it back.
I asked someone else who had a spouse die how long until they felt "happy" again. By "happy", all I mean is feeling some sort joy or pleasure without feeling guilty or having this huge weight on your shoulders. Their reply was two-three years. Two to three years...that seems like an eternity to me...
Three Days in the Making
I started this entry three days ago and have been unable to finish it. Then I started thinking "why". Why can't I just finish the damn entry? It is because I am afraid to say what I am really feeling...so here it goes. I am pissed off. I am pissed that Jen died. I am pissed, mad, bitter, angry pick a word it really doesn't matter.
We were about to settle in what should be the best part of our lives. We both worked hard to get where we are at and we were due to settle in and enjoy life, our kids and each other. Instead, everything is totally turned upside down and it is just not fucking fair!
Now I am pissed off at the world and just about everyone in it. Again, I know that is not fair either and honestly don't care right about now. I just never imagined that life would turn out this way...
Inside Bill's Head -- Previously Known as (Inside the Head of a Grieving Single Dad)
In August of 2009 my wife Jennifer passed away from an Anaplastic Astrocytoma Brain Tumor. She was only 38 years old. She left me and our two little girls Abbie and Allie to continue life’s journey.
I promised her that I would NOT become angry and bitter about what happened...in order to do that I am attempting to write to express my thoughts and feelings.
This site is a place where I can express my thoughts, feelings and rants...