Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Knowing and Understanding

Due to a scheduling quirk we had another Caring Place session last night and have another one next week. Last night I actually spoke more then I had in the previous two visits combined…I had to I couldn’t keep quite any longer. The result was good and I learned something from the session.

I understand and appreciate more where most of the anger comes from with the others in the group. It’s from a huge void they have from not knowing certain things…let me explain. I had the chance to mentally prepare myself for what was coming.

When Jen took a drastic turn for the worse we both discussed it…in great detail. We (Jen and I) had conversations and talked about things. They were discussions that I will never forget. The conversation included topics that couples just don’t talk about, but we had them because we both knew what was coming. None of the other folks in my session had that opportunity to have those conversations with their spouse or person that they lost. As difficult and painful as the memory of those discussions is, I am glad that we had them.

It gives you somewhat of a sense of closure on certain topics. For instance, I knew that Jen wanted to be cremated and not buried. Those sorts of things may seem a little silly or irrelevant but if a person goes suddenly without talking about it then one will never know. Jen saw the hurt, anger, desperation and anguish I was going through so she did what only she could do…she talked to me. I would not have thought how important and crucial some of those conversations were at the time.

She told me not to beat myself up over the entire situation, to look after the girls, to make sure I stay close to them and not shut them out. To not get angry and bitter, but instead to keep moving forward, she actually had me promise to keep going afterward. If we had not had those types of conversations, I honestly don’t know what kind of mental state I would be in about now, except I know it would be far, far worse.

I left the session last night feeling a little selfish over how I felt during the first couple of sessions. I understand more why some of those folks are upset, angry and confused and I feel for them…I do. While I still do not really feel connected to the group, I do feel as if it is helping, and that is the important thing.


  1. I don't think you need to feel guilty for how you felt/are feeling. IMO, it is not your job to stick something out just b/c you may help others. But now that you think going to the CP is helping, then the fact that you may be helping others seems great.

  2. I agree, Bill. I think it's important to honor all the feelings that you are having. It sounds like you had the opportunity to connect in unexpected ways and to also gain some valuable insight. I'm glad. I'm sure your presence is helping others as well. As always, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


Inside Bill's Head -- Previously Known as (Inside the Head of a Grieving Single Dad)

In August of 2009 my wife Jennifer passed away from an Anaplastic Astrocytoma Brain Tumor. She was only 38 years old. She left me and our two little girls Abbie and Allie to continue life’s journey.

I promised her that I would NOT become angry and bitter about what order to do that I am attempting to write to express my thoughts and feelings.

This site is a place where I can express my thoughts, feelings and rants...