We had our first session tonight and I have to say that I am somewhat disappointed. I do not want to say why quite yet. I typed up an entire entry but I am going to wait and think before I post it. I do not want it to sound crass or arrogant so I need to think about it a little more.
The girls enjoyed their session, which is good. I am attempting not to over analyze my session, but that is after all, one of the things I do. Maybe one-on-one sessions as opposed to group sessions would be better for me...I do not know. I thought I would benefit more from group sessions and here is why.
One-On-One
What is a therapist going to say that I do not already know? Keep yourself busy. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Focus on the future and not the past. Do not dwell on the past, keep moving forward...blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I am NOT being some macho man dipshit either...nor am I taking a Neanderthal approach to therapy. If it works for you great, but words cannot fix my problem.
My Real Problem
What I really want is the one thing that no one can give me. History is not going to change, Jen is not ever going to come back, no one is going to wave a magic wand and bring her back - I get that. What I really want, what I really need is for someone to mend a heart that is completely and utterly broken.
I have blank void, a null pit where my heart is. It is not a physical thing, but I swear I can feel a difference inside my chest. Nothing or no one can fix that...except maybe time.
Maybe I am just being too hard on everything and everyone...the timing is somewhat bad. It is Jen's birthday tomorrow and my emotions have been getting the best of me all week. Stay tuned...I want to re-read what I typed up about the group and the session in the morning and decide then if I should post it or not.
The most important way to heal is to allow it to happen naturally and in time.
ReplyDeleteTime is going to be your friend. You can't just heal, you can't just mend a broken heart. Some people can heal fast, others take years. There is no timeline or deadline. It will just happen, probably more slowly than you want. I think you are right in that you are too hard on yourself and being a planner, you want answers and you want them now. This is a true test in patience. Healing will take time and you can't plan it out. Unfortunately. I wish there was a magic wand to make it all better.
In the meantime, I do hope group works for you, if not, you find a good private therapist to help you. I am glad the girls did well tonight. My thoughts are with them and you, especially today, on Jen's bday.
It's only natural for your emotions to be running high right now. I'm sorry to hear that you were somewhat disappointed by your first group session, but glad to hear that things went well for the girls. My thoughts are with you and the girls today.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Bill at Jen's Bday. :(
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