Okay, one negative of a four day week is that you have to do five days worth of work in just four days. I am exhausted so here is a quick recap.
Monday
I opened the blog up to my Face Book account and I have received nothing but positive feedback. A couple of the emails gave me the validation I needed since I contemplated on whether to open the blog to everyone or not. It is weird but it is nice to know that their are other people out there who feel the same way and are in a similar situation.
Tuesday
Last night was our second appointment at the Caring Place. I said all of two, maybe three sentences and I had to interrupt just to say that. I think one of the counselors noticed my frustration and asked "Bill, you have been quite tonight". I wanted to respond with "well, I really have nothing in common with anyone else in the room so there isn't much for me to say. Instead, I said, "I just do not have much to talk about tonight".
Here is the real reason why...
One -- I am a man and everyone else in the room is a woman.
Two -- I am younger than anyone else in the room that has lost a spouse
Three -- I listened to two woman talk about their spouses and how angry they are. I am not angry...at least not at Jen.
Four -- I also listened to these two woman talk about how God was looking out for them.
I do NOT want to get into a philosophical discussion about God and religion...so I am just letting it go...
Wednesday
I am torn about what to write. Opening up the blog has been great - more people are finding it, but I am also cautious about what to write.
Their is so much that I want to write...and look out because I feel a monumental entry in the making. This weekend, with Easter on the way I am sure the emotions will be running high. Translation = Easter holiday, memories, my mind racing so I am sure I will have plenty to write.
Here is a Sneak Preview...
- Jen dying IS the defining moment of my life...I refuse to let it be my girls defining moment in their young lives.
- I am addressing my fears...one at a time.
- I WILL be happy again...I think that sort of says it all...I WILL be happy again.
Yeah...I have a lot to write about...
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
I Made a Couple Decisions
First, I linked my blog to my Face Book account and created a space for it because I want people to know that I am doing okay. Replying back to emails and trying to blog is getting somewhat complex so I decided to open it up (the blog) to everyone and throw it out there...might be a mistake I don't know, just have to wait and see.
Second, I am getting more serious about the idea of writing a book. I want people, in particular Husbands and Dad's, to know that they will make it through the unfortunate experience of losing a wife and Mother to their children. I have been getting more and more emails from people all over saying that they stumbled upon my blog and that it is helping them cope and handle certain situations.
It is very gratifying to me to receive emails from folks saying that the blog is actually helping them get through their own grief. Some people cannot express things, some won't, some don't know how...if by reading my rants and thoughts it gives them a little validity that it is okay to feel a certain way then that is good in my opinion. I started putting together an outline for chapters / discussion points and I am attempting to fill in some content.
I appreciate the emails and the phone calls I sincerely do. Getting so much positive reinforcement is absolutely awesome and inspiring. I do not know what I would do without the support of my family and friends. Which in a way also adds more fuel to the fire for me wanting to write a book about this entire experience. I realize that other folk's situations will be different then mine, but for some reason in which I can't explain at the moment, I want to help other folks make it through just like I have been helped by so many of my friends and family.
Second, I am getting more serious about the idea of writing a book. I want people, in particular Husbands and Dad's, to know that they will make it through the unfortunate experience of losing a wife and Mother to their children. I have been getting more and more emails from people all over saying that they stumbled upon my blog and that it is helping them cope and handle certain situations.
It is very gratifying to me to receive emails from folks saying that the blog is actually helping them get through their own grief. Some people cannot express things, some won't, some don't know how...if by reading my rants and thoughts it gives them a little validity that it is okay to feel a certain way then that is good in my opinion. I started putting together an outline for chapters / discussion points and I am attempting to fill in some content.
I appreciate the emails and the phone calls I sincerely do. Getting so much positive reinforcement is absolutely awesome and inspiring. I do not know what I would do without the support of my family and friends. Which in a way also adds more fuel to the fire for me wanting to write a book about this entire experience. I realize that other folk's situations will be different then mine, but for some reason in which I can't explain at the moment, I want to help other folks make it through just like I have been helped by so many of my friends and family.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Date Night
Okay, so this entry may sound a little “preachy”…if it does… and you read it and get a little annoyed…Tough!
So, here is the deal…I just saw a commercial for a new movie that is coming out - the movie is called “Date Night”. It co-stars Tina Fey and Steve Carell. They were two of our (me and Jen‘s) all-time favorites. We both loved “30 Rock” and “The Office” - they are both very talented performers. This would have been a movie that we would have definitely gone to see.
A Perfect Saturday Night
Here is my definition of a perfect Saturday date night. Getting a baby-sitter and going to dinner at our favorite restaurant. It‘s not a fancy place, it‘s a very family friendly Italian restaurant (DeNunzios) that we went to all the time. We would both order a glass of wine and ultimately end up talking about anything that came to mind.
The tables were covered by big sheets of white paper and the host/hostess would leave crayons that you could draw on the paper. We would always end up trying to out-draw each other…the waiter/waitresses always got a kick of how detailed our drawings would be.
After dinner we would order desert (something totally unhealthy but delicious) and split it. One plate and two forks, we would order a cappuccino and then head to the movies. We didn’t get to see very many movies (just the two of us) that weren’t produced by Disney or Pixar so something good was a real treat. The kind of movie that when you walked out at the end you squeezed each others hand just a little tighter.
The Preachy Part
We (Jen and I) were married for 12 years; together for 15...marriage is tough. It’s a constant give and take by both parts. Our marriage was not perfect, but I like to think it was pretty darn good. To all you couples out there whether married or just dating…go have a “Date Night”. Don’t roll your eyes or sigh deeply…know this…and here is the part where I make you feel like crap…especially if you did roll your eyes or sigh deeply…I would give anything to have one more “Date Night” with Jen.
Forget about the laundry that didn't get washed, the house that is a mess and the million and one things that need to be done. Life is friggin short…don’t take it for granted folks. Get a babysitter, grab your best gal or guy, and go have a Date Night. Enjoy each others company and realize how fortunate you really are…
So, here is the deal…I just saw a commercial for a new movie that is coming out - the movie is called “Date Night”. It co-stars Tina Fey and Steve Carell. They were two of our (me and Jen‘s) all-time favorites. We both loved “30 Rock” and “The Office” - they are both very talented performers. This would have been a movie that we would have definitely gone to see.
A Perfect Saturday Night
Here is my definition of a perfect Saturday date night. Getting a baby-sitter and going to dinner at our favorite restaurant. It‘s not a fancy place, it‘s a very family friendly Italian restaurant (DeNunzios) that we went to all the time. We would both order a glass of wine and ultimately end up talking about anything that came to mind.
The tables were covered by big sheets of white paper and the host/hostess would leave crayons that you could draw on the paper. We would always end up trying to out-draw each other…the waiter/waitresses always got a kick of how detailed our drawings would be.
After dinner we would order desert (something totally unhealthy but delicious) and split it. One plate and two forks, we would order a cappuccino and then head to the movies. We didn’t get to see very many movies (just the two of us) that weren’t produced by Disney or Pixar so something good was a real treat. The kind of movie that when you walked out at the end you squeezed each others hand just a little tighter.
The Preachy Part
We (Jen and I) were married for 12 years; together for 15...marriage is tough. It’s a constant give and take by both parts. Our marriage was not perfect, but I like to think it was pretty darn good. To all you couples out there whether married or just dating…go have a “Date Night”. Don’t roll your eyes or sigh deeply…know this…and here is the part where I make you feel like crap…especially if you did roll your eyes or sigh deeply…I would give anything to have one more “Date Night” with Jen.
Forget about the laundry that didn't get washed, the house that is a mess and the million and one things that need to be done. Life is friggin short…don’t take it for granted folks. Get a babysitter, grab your best gal or guy, and go have a Date Night. Enjoy each others company and realize how fortunate you really are…
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Common Sayings
I know the last few entries haven’t exactly been uplifting or inspiring so I am going to attempt to lighten things up just a little. As the proud father of two awesome and adorable little girls I find that I say things at times and think to myself “man, I can’t believe I just said that”. Here are some of the common things that I seem to say a lot…and I hope that I am not saying these things when they are teenagers.
“Girls, please go put on some pants”
“Girls, it’s 30 degrees outside you can not wear shorts today”.
“Go put on some underwear”
“Can you two please put some friggin clothes on?”
“No, you may not wear a towel to school”
“Or your robe”
“No, for the last time, PJ’s do not count as an outfit, now go put on something else”
“I don’t care what {insert name here} says, you are not doing that”
“Come on goofballs”
“Here comes the bus”
“No, you may not wear your spring jacket, it’s winter time”
“Yes kiddo, that was a big poopy, good job”
“Yes, kiddo the tooth fairy never forgets”
“Yeah, yeah, okay I agree girls, Hanna Montana rocks, so does Miranda Cosgrove and Big Time Rush, now please go get ready for bed“
“Yes, you have to use soap in the bath tub ‘
“Try it, you may actually like it”
“It taste just like a chicken nugget, so just try it”
“No there are no monsters under the bed or in the closet”
“For the last time, there are no monsters in this house”
“Look, I sent the monsters over to {insert some bratty kids name here] house so don’t worry about it”
“Patience is a virtue”
“You know what happens to bad little girls…they go to little girls jail”
“Inside voice, inside voice….use your INSIDE VOICE!!!”
"Yes, I do know everything!!!"
"Because, I'm the Dad, that's why"
Star Wars References…
“Patience my young Padawan”
“Don’t give in to the dark side”
“Abbie / Allie - I am your father”
“I don’t know girls, I have a bad feeling about this’
“You can do it, just use the force”
I hope you enjoyed reading these…I was actually laughing and smirking as I typed them. They are awesome kids…and life is never dull in this house…
“Girls, please go put on some pants”
“Girls, it’s 30 degrees outside you can not wear shorts today”.
“Go put on some underwear”
“Can you two please put some friggin clothes on?”
“No, you may not wear a towel to school”
“Or your robe”
“No, for the last time, PJ’s do not count as an outfit, now go put on something else”
“I don’t care what {insert name here} says, you are not doing that”
“Come on goofballs”
“Here comes the bus”
“No, you may not wear your spring jacket, it’s winter time”
“Yes kiddo, that was a big poopy, good job”
“Yes, kiddo the tooth fairy never forgets”
“Yeah, yeah, okay I agree girls, Hanna Montana rocks, so does Miranda Cosgrove and Big Time Rush, now please go get ready for bed“
“Yes, you have to use soap in the bath tub ‘
“Try it, you may actually like it”
“It taste just like a chicken nugget, so just try it”
“No there are no monsters under the bed or in the closet”
“For the last time, there are no monsters in this house”
“Look, I sent the monsters over to {insert some bratty kids name here] house so don’t worry about it”
“Patience is a virtue”
“You know what happens to bad little girls…they go to little girls jail”
“Inside voice, inside voice….use your INSIDE VOICE!!!”
"Yes, I do know everything!!!"
"Because, I'm the Dad, that's why"
Star Wars References…
“Patience my young Padawan”
“Don’t give in to the dark side”
“Abbie / Allie - I am your father”
“I don’t know girls, I have a bad feeling about this’
“You can do it, just use the force”
I hope you enjoyed reading these…I was actually laughing and smirking as I typed them. They are awesome kids…and life is never dull in this house…
Monday, March 22, 2010
Moments Lost
It's just not fair that two little girls are denied such special moments with their Mom. It's very frustrating to me that their isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I can keep us busy, I can listen, offer hugs, dry back little tears, I can tell them how much I love them a hundred times a day, but I can never replace special moments between a Mom and daughter.
Last week while having lunch with one of my best friends, who is a Mother to a seven-year-old girl, she was discussing a cute story. She was telling me how her daughter (who is the same age as Abbie) told her about a special boy in her class. It was the first time that she ever mentioned a boy before. My friend was telling me because it was a special moment for her and her daughter. My girls tell me a lot, but they will never tell me that sort of thing…moments like that are special between a Mom and a daughter. That is the sort of thing that makes me feel so bad for my girls - it's not fair that they are robbed of special moments like that.
At the sleep over two weekends ago, other kids were calling their Mom’s to say goodnight. Abbie overheard some of the girls talking to their Mom's and saying, "I love you", "miss you" etc...She just looked away into the distance, then casually glanced over to me, smiled, and gave me a hug.
The other day the girls were playing with an old cell phone. The conversation went something like this:
Abbie: Here Allie, this phone is for you
Allie: Cool, who can I call?
Abbie: Anyone you want
Allie: Anyone?
Abbie: Yep, anyone you want to talk to
Allie: I want to call Mommy.
Abbie got visibly flustered and told Allie that she couldn't call Mommy, only people who were alive. My heart just sank. Later that night while reading bedtime stories to Allie she said that she wanted to hear Mommy's voice, she wanted to see her, hug her, she wanted her Mommy. I told her that I wanted that to, but whenever I want to think of Jen, I close my eyes, put my hand on my heart and remember a good time from the past.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Look
So I think my philosophy is to stay as busy as possible on weekends to keep the kids happy and occupied. While the past few weekends have been awesome they have also been exhausting…but in a good way. Here is the one negative. I can’t help but think how much Jen would have enjoyed the little weekend adventures.
And this is totally a “Me” hang up and yes I know it is quite shallow, but I hate being a family of three. I hate the “look”…let me try to explain.
I have to admit I liked going out as a family. I enjoyed people saying your girls are “precious” and have such “good manners“. The cute little family of FOUR. Look up upper middle class family of four in the dictionary and the picture of Jen, the girls and I could have easily been there. Whether is was dinner, running errands, the movies whatever, I really liked our cute little family.
Now I feel that every time someone sees us it one of two things…you’re a divorced Dad spending time with your kids, OR you’re a divorced Dad who is forced to spend time with his kids. Neither is true obviously, but what can I do. It’s not like I can just say “look I was madly in love with my wife, she got sick and died and now I’m all my girls have”…shallow I know and I’m sure it’s all in my head…but it’s there regardless.
I felt as if I got the look a lot this past weekend at the hotel, eating dinner, at the hotel pool, at the hockey game, at breakfast…maybe their needs to be some sort of pin or button young widowers could wear to distinguish our selves.
I always loved the fact that we had two kids…one for each parent. Two kids…two laps to sit on…and the typical man-on-man defense. Now the girls are starting to compete for my attention and I am doing my best to judge and weigh who needs what and when but it’s difficult. Being a single parent is tough…harder then anyone could imagine unless you are a single parent. Easter will be here before we know it…followed by Mother’s day then Father’s day…when is Single Parent day? When is young Widower’s day? When is don’t give me that look day?
Friday, March 19, 2010
Taking the Higher Road
After some careful thought…I am NOT going to give any additional details on my first group session. I do not want to betray the confidence of what was said in the group and if I went and blogged about it… that would just be wrong. Without going into any details my disappointment, lies in the fact that I was hoping to connect or bond with someone within my group. Unfortunately, it appears that I have nothing in common with anyone in the group. I am the only male, no one else has young children and our circumstances are just very, very different.
Maybe by listening to others who have very different stories I can learn something. Something that will benefit me later…I do not know, but that is my hope. I confided in a good friend and shared my frustrations, and they were surprised that I did not speak my feelings in the group. However, anything I can do to expand my understanding and learn something from this “experience” is sort of my mission right now. I have to be going through all of this for some sort of reason…
This past week was extremely difficult for me. The girls were very aware that St. Patrick’s Day was also Jen’s birthday. I honestly think that this week was worse then the holidays. Over the holidays their were many other distractions, but this week it all revolved around Jen’s birthday. The memories just came pouring back to me…and the girls.
I did my best to keep it together for my sake and the girls…I did my best to stay positive and remember the good times…I am trying so hard to remain upbeat and open minded… and NOT become bitter as I promised…
I am trying hard to remain on the higher road…but…it is becoming more difficult…
Maybe by listening to others who have very different stories I can learn something. Something that will benefit me later…I do not know, but that is my hope. I confided in a good friend and shared my frustrations, and they were surprised that I did not speak my feelings in the group. However, anything I can do to expand my understanding and learn something from this “experience” is sort of my mission right now. I have to be going through all of this for some sort of reason…
This past week was extremely difficult for me. The girls were very aware that St. Patrick’s Day was also Jen’s birthday. I honestly think that this week was worse then the holidays. Over the holidays their were many other distractions, but this week it all revolved around Jen’s birthday. The memories just came pouring back to me…and the girls.
I did my best to keep it together for my sake and the girls…I did my best to stay positive and remember the good times…I am trying so hard to remain upbeat and open minded… and NOT become bitter as I promised…
I am trying hard to remain on the higher road…but…it is becoming more difficult…
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
First Session
We had our first session tonight and I have to say that I am somewhat disappointed. I do not want to say why quite yet. I typed up an entire entry but I am going to wait and think before I post it. I do not want it to sound crass or arrogant so I need to think about it a little more.
The girls enjoyed their session, which is good. I am attempting not to over analyze my session, but that is after all, one of the things I do. Maybe one-on-one sessions as opposed to group sessions would be better for me...I do not know. I thought I would benefit more from group sessions and here is why.
One-On-One
What is a therapist going to say that I do not already know? Keep yourself busy. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Focus on the future and not the past. Do not dwell on the past, keep moving forward...blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I am NOT being some macho man dipshit either...nor am I taking a Neanderthal approach to therapy. If it works for you great, but words cannot fix my problem.
My Real Problem
What I really want is the one thing that no one can give me. History is not going to change, Jen is not ever going to come back, no one is going to wave a magic wand and bring her back - I get that. What I really want, what I really need is for someone to mend a heart that is completely and utterly broken.
I have blank void, a null pit where my heart is. It is not a physical thing, but I swear I can feel a difference inside my chest. Nothing or no one can fix that...except maybe time.
Maybe I am just being too hard on everything and everyone...the timing is somewhat bad. It is Jen's birthday tomorrow and my emotions have been getting the best of me all week. Stay tuned...I want to re-read what I typed up about the group and the session in the morning and decide then if I should post it or not.
The girls enjoyed their session, which is good. I am attempting not to over analyze my session, but that is after all, one of the things I do. Maybe one-on-one sessions as opposed to group sessions would be better for me...I do not know. I thought I would benefit more from group sessions and here is why.
One-On-One
What is a therapist going to say that I do not already know? Keep yourself busy. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Focus on the future and not the past. Do not dwell on the past, keep moving forward...blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I am NOT being some macho man dipshit either...nor am I taking a Neanderthal approach to therapy. If it works for you great, but words cannot fix my problem.
My Real Problem
What I really want is the one thing that no one can give me. History is not going to change, Jen is not ever going to come back, no one is going to wave a magic wand and bring her back - I get that. What I really want, what I really need is for someone to mend a heart that is completely and utterly broken.
I have blank void, a null pit where my heart is. It is not a physical thing, but I swear I can feel a difference inside my chest. Nothing or no one can fix that...except maybe time.
Maybe I am just being too hard on everything and everyone...the timing is somewhat bad. It is Jen's birthday tomorrow and my emotions have been getting the best of me all week. Stay tuned...I want to re-read what I typed up about the group and the session in the morning and decide then if I should post it or not.
St. Patrick’s Day
Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day…March 17th. Normally this would be a really good day in our household and not because of some limited Irish ancestry. March 17th is Jen’s birthday. She would have been 39 years old. I asked the girls if they wanted to do anything special for Mom’s birthday and they said they wanted to make a clover leafs and attach pictures of Jen so that’s what we are doing.
39
Thirty nine years old. When I start to think that she didn’t even make it to 39 it starts to get me upset all over again. I can remember being in my early 20’s and a relative of mine was turning 39 and I thought to myself…39 is so friggin old. Well, I am obviously older now and 39 doesn’t seem so old anymore. Jen never got to see 39…I can only imagine what this birthday would have been like and what all of our lives would have been like if not for that damn tumor.
I have much more to write…but I’m going to wait for later…
We start the Caring Place tonight and the timing couldn’t be better…for the girls sake and for me.
39
Thirty nine years old. When I start to think that she didn’t even make it to 39 it starts to get me upset all over again. I can remember being in my early 20’s and a relative of mine was turning 39 and I thought to myself…39 is so friggin old. Well, I am obviously older now and 39 doesn’t seem so old anymore. Jen never got to see 39…I can only imagine what this birthday would have been like and what all of our lives would have been like if not for that damn tumor.
I have much more to write…but I’m going to wait for later…
We start the Caring Place tonight and the timing couldn’t be better…for the girls sake and for me.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
What a Weekend
Saturday night we had our Indian Princess sleepover at the Pittsburgh Science Center, both girls were so damn excited and really looking forward to it. We slept at the Pittsburgh Zoo last year so and I was hoping the Science Center would be as equally as fun…it was.
A little Background
Before moving to the Burgh I had never heard of Indian Princesses. Jen did Indian Princesses with her Dad when she was a kid so it’s important to me that I do this with the girls. I’m not much of a camper, but it’s a lot of fun. It’s always a good time and I like seeing, watching and observing the girls as they face challenges in environments that they aren’t usually accustomed to.
Things I observed at the sleepover
Abbie
I truly enjoy watching how much she has grown and matured in just the last year. She’s so independent and confident in what she can do…I hope she never loses that. She has a way of carrying herself that she seems much older than a typical seven year old. She’s always so concerned with how other people are doing. Is that little girl lost, does she know where her Dad is? She’s very considerate towards others…it’s nice to see. Finally, she’s an awesome big sister. Always watching out for Allie and showing her the ropes…just an awesome kid.
Allie
The one thing that stands out is that she always has a smile on her face. The glow that she gives off is friggin contagious. As much as Abbie seems older then seven, Allie still has a “baby face” with cheeks you still want to pinch even at five. She’s more laid back and needs to hang out and get comfortable before diving into a situation, but once she does, she goes with full force. She reminds me so much of myself. So loving and so full of energy.
I am so proud to be the father of such amazing kids. They take so much after Jen and I see so much of her in both of them. Somewhere I know she’s watching and I had a couple of those moments this weekend where I just sort of knew she was with us…it’s hard to explain in words. Something just kind of happens where you know something is different…it is truly hard to explain.
It was a great weekend!
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Weekend
It’s the weekend…and it couldn’t have arrived fast enough. It’s going to rain here in the Burgh all weekend, but I am totally burnt out and need the weekend to recharge my batteries. It’s been a long, long week at work, month and year so far.
We (me and the girls) are attending the Indian Princess sleepover at the Science Center in downtown Pittsburgh on Saturday. It should be fun and at least it’s only one night (I say that because at least we have Sunday to recover). Both girls are really excited and very much looking forward to it.
This month is just so busy. Between work, the IP sleepover , starting the Caring Place, we are going to a Wheeling Nailers hockey game next weekend, and soccer starts back up in two weeks, the month of March is booked.
At least my mood has improved and that is directly related to the warmer weather. The yard is visible for the first time in months…and I am already itching to get out there and do some landscaping work. I love working outside working in the dirt. It’s an instant gratification thing for me. As opposed to painting inside or spring cleaning which no one sees. The outside is visible to everyone and it’s more satisfying for some reason.
I’m really, really looking forward to enjoying the new deck this spring / summer. I fully anticipate summers night sitting on the deck, hanging out, eating outside and having a glass of wine. After it gets dark breaking out the telescope and just hanging out, nerdy I know, but cool none the less to me. Plus the girls really like looking at the moon through the telescope.
Yep…spring can’t get here fast enough...
We (me and the girls) are attending the Indian Princess sleepover at the Science Center in downtown Pittsburgh on Saturday. It should be fun and at least it’s only one night (I say that because at least we have Sunday to recover). Both girls are really excited and very much looking forward to it.
This month is just so busy. Between work, the IP sleepover , starting the Caring Place, we are going to a Wheeling Nailers hockey game next weekend, and soccer starts back up in two weeks, the month of March is booked.
At least my mood has improved and that is directly related to the warmer weather. The yard is visible for the first time in months…and I am already itching to get out there and do some landscaping work. I love working outside working in the dirt. It’s an instant gratification thing for me. As opposed to painting inside or spring cleaning which no one sees. The outside is visible to everyone and it’s more satisfying for some reason.
I’m really, really looking forward to enjoying the new deck this spring / summer. I fully anticipate summers night sitting on the deck, hanging out, eating outside and having a glass of wine. After it gets dark breaking out the telescope and just hanging out, nerdy I know, but cool none the less to me. Plus the girls really like looking at the moon through the telescope.
Yep…spring can’t get here fast enough...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Random Ramblings
Theses are truly some random rants…
I love my new iPod touch…much better then my iPod classic.
I am totally exhausted…I have been sleeping okay, but I am just totally wiped out.
I’m looking forward to Spring.
I’m also looking forward to some Spring Organizing.
I’m NOT looking forward to going through Jen’s closet, dresser and clothes. If anyone has any good thoughts, about what to do with all Jen’s clothes I would appreciate the suggestions. I’m going to save some things for the girls, but should I just donate the rest to Goodwill or some other charity?
I am seriously considering or contemplating the horrible….terrible…despicable “D” word…Dating. As I said in a previous post…I hate being alone…
I am NOT a good “dater“…people tend to not like total and complete honesty…and that’s what you get with me…if you ask me a question…you will get a honest answer. I do not play “dating” games…so I’m thinking this will be a horrible experience…
I love adding “…” after sentences or phrases…especially knowing that it bothers the crap out of people…
I’m going to go pick out some new furniture for the deck.
I need to find some inspiration…I need to get my butt in gear at work. I’m sick of listening to others issues and problems…
I think both of my daughters are pretty damn clever…of course I’m biased on this…but they are so wise and have such a good sense of humor…every day I see more and more of Jen in both of them.
I need a vacation…but have no desire to travel by myself.
And finally…dot dot dot…
I love my new iPod touch…much better then my iPod classic.
I am totally exhausted…I have been sleeping okay, but I am just totally wiped out.
I’m looking forward to Spring.
I’m also looking forward to some Spring Organizing.
I’m NOT looking forward to going through Jen’s closet, dresser and clothes. If anyone has any good thoughts, about what to do with all Jen’s clothes I would appreciate the suggestions. I’m going to save some things for the girls, but should I just donate the rest to Goodwill or some other charity?
I am seriously considering or contemplating the horrible….terrible…despicable “D” word…Dating. As I said in a previous post…I hate being alone…
I am NOT a good “dater“…people tend to not like total and complete honesty…and that’s what you get with me…if you ask me a question…you will get a honest answer. I do not play “dating” games…so I’m thinking this will be a horrible experience…
I love adding “…” after sentences or phrases…especially knowing that it bothers the crap out of people…
I’m going to go pick out some new furniture for the deck.
I need to find some inspiration…I need to get my butt in gear at work. I’m sick of listening to others issues and problems…
I think both of my daughters are pretty damn clever…of course I’m biased on this…but they are so wise and have such a good sense of humor…every day I see more and more of Jen in both of them.
I need a vacation…but have no desire to travel by myself.
And finally…dot dot dot…
Monday, March 8, 2010
Assigned a Group
We have been assigned a group. Our first group session at the Caring Place starts next Tuesday. The timing is good. The girls just asked over the weekend when can we go back to the Caring Place…now we know.
A couple people sent me emails about the Caring Place so here is some additional information. It’s a place where grieving family’s can go to express how they feel since everyone in attendance has experienced a loss.
Groups are created by the type of loss and the age of the people who have experienced the loss. Both girls will be in a separate group as well as myself. The rooms where they girls will go are age appropriate and they have areas when kids can play, make craft projects and talk about the person that they lost.
Families also make a piece of a memory quilt and then the pieces are all put together to make a quilt that is hung in the Caring Place. The adult group room is more like a family room where adults can talk and discuss how they are doing.
We are all looking forward to going…it will be good for all of us.
A couple people sent me emails about the Caring Place so here is some additional information. It’s a place where grieving family’s can go to express how they feel since everyone in attendance has experienced a loss.
Groups are created by the type of loss and the age of the people who have experienced the loss. Both girls will be in a separate group as well as myself. The rooms where they girls will go are age appropriate and they have areas when kids can play, make craft projects and talk about the person that they lost.
Families also make a piece of a memory quilt and then the pieces are all put together to make a quilt that is hung in the Caring Place. The adult group room is more like a family room where adults can talk and discuss how they are doing.
We are all looking forward to going…it will be good for all of us.
Friday, March 5, 2010
It Happened…Finally…
Well, I finally had a dream about Jen last night…
The Dream
We were walking from one building to another. The two buildings were connected by a long straight outside corridor lined by green shrubs. The distance between the two buildings seemed like a mile. It was a bright sunny day.
An older woman who had white/grayish hair that I don’t know or recognize was leading us. It looked very futuristic…other people were also walking to and from the buildings and they were all dressed the same, in white and grey, only Jen and I were dressed different from everyone else.
Suddenly, out of nowhere a bad storm kicked up….and I could see a tornado forming way off in the distance. We still had a long way to go to get the building that we were walking to and for some reason we couldn’t go back to the building that we left, it wasn’t allowed.
The tornado was getting closer and closer, it was moving at a high speed towards us. Jen started running for the building…for some reason I stopped and looked behind me. The older woman who was guiding us now had my Dad with her and they were quite a distance behind me.
I turned around and Jen was way, far ahead of me…like a couple of football fields...and the twister was getting really close. I took off sprinting for the building…and made through the first set of glass doors…but Jen wasn’t there.
I saw a second set of doors on the opposite side…and could see Jen was behind the second set of double glass doors….and I started moving for the doors. It was really loud inside the building due to the tornado. People were panicking, things were in a chaotic state, people were running, falling, screaming etc…
The tornado hit the building just as I was getting close to the second set of double glass doors…..I could see Jen running away…
Suddenly…I woke up….it was 3:08am.
I sat up…then got up out of bed…went downstairs and wrote all of this down…
WTF…what in the hell does it mean….
SIDE NOTES
- It was so good to hear her voice again…it was comforting.
- I have no clue why suddenly my Dad was there…for those that don’t know I am NOT close to my Dad at all.
- The last thing I remembered before I woke up was seeing Jen through the second set of doors and thinking I have to get there.
The Dream
We were walking from one building to another. The two buildings were connected by a long straight outside corridor lined by green shrubs. The distance between the two buildings seemed like a mile. It was a bright sunny day.
An older woman who had white/grayish hair that I don’t know or recognize was leading us. It looked very futuristic…other people were also walking to and from the buildings and they were all dressed the same, in white and grey, only Jen and I were dressed different from everyone else.
Suddenly, out of nowhere a bad storm kicked up….and I could see a tornado forming way off in the distance. We still had a long way to go to get the building that we were walking to and for some reason we couldn’t go back to the building that we left, it wasn’t allowed.
The tornado was getting closer and closer, it was moving at a high speed towards us. Jen started running for the building…for some reason I stopped and looked behind me. The older woman who was guiding us now had my Dad with her and they were quite a distance behind me.
I turned around and Jen was way, far ahead of me…like a couple of football fields...and the twister was getting really close. I took off sprinting for the building…and made through the first set of glass doors…but Jen wasn’t there.
I saw a second set of doors on the opposite side…and could see Jen was behind the second set of double glass doors….and I started moving for the doors. It was really loud inside the building due to the tornado. People were panicking, things were in a chaotic state, people were running, falling, screaming etc…
The tornado hit the building just as I was getting close to the second set of double glass doors…..I could see Jen running away…
Suddenly…I woke up….it was 3:08am.
I sat up…then got up out of bed…went downstairs and wrote all of this down…
WTF…what in the hell does it mean….
SIDE NOTES
- It was so good to hear her voice again…it was comforting.
- I have no clue why suddenly my Dad was there…for those that don’t know I am NOT close to my Dad at all.
- The last thing I remembered before I woke up was seeing Jen through the second set of doors and thinking I have to get there.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Wheels Are Spinning
I am now reading the next book by Dr. Brian Weiss “Through Time into Healing”. Basically the book recounts stories from many of the people in which he has hypnotized and “helped”. I strongly hesitate to use the word “cured” but instead selected cured. I do not have any aliments that need curing unless you count a broken heart as an aliment. Instead I want answers.
I gave the first book “Many Lives, Many Masters” to someone else to read, someone who is equally as skeptical as me and whose opinion I value and trust. They are very intrigued by the book as well.
So with that said…I am seriously considering seeing a hypnotist. And yes, feel free to insert references to the movie Office Space now…I know that it sounds totally crazy and absurd. Had you asked me three years ago about going to see a Hypnotist I would have given my smart–ass smirk and said “uh, I don’t think so”. Now, I figure what the hell…what do I have to lose. This is something I would have never done previously, I mean absolutely never, but I’m seriously considering it. The entire concept of recalling past lives through hypnotism has me very curious.
It will either prove or disprove my own skepticism. I could either find some answers or have a lot more questions. I’m seeking something...something which I can’t explain in great detail. Not entirely about getting all the answers, but more about the reasoning and logic behind it.
And again, no, I am not going crazy or losing my mind. This is very different for me. I am as straight laced as they come. I walk the line and very rarely deviate from it. It’s not a mid-life crisis…that would me buying a Porsche. This is something that I think would be fun, intriguing, exciting and a little scary…definitely outside of my personal comfort zone.
The hard part seems to be finding a “legitimate” hypnotist. I can’t help but laugh at that sentence myself…a “legitimate” Hypnotist as opposed to a carnival side show act…nice.
I gave the first book “Many Lives, Many Masters” to someone else to read, someone who is equally as skeptical as me and whose opinion I value and trust. They are very intrigued by the book as well.
So with that said…I am seriously considering seeing a hypnotist. And yes, feel free to insert references to the movie Office Space now…I know that it sounds totally crazy and absurd. Had you asked me three years ago about going to see a Hypnotist I would have given my smart–ass smirk and said “uh, I don’t think so”. Now, I figure what the hell…what do I have to lose. This is something I would have never done previously, I mean absolutely never, but I’m seriously considering it. The entire concept of recalling past lives through hypnotism has me very curious.
It will either prove or disprove my own skepticism. I could either find some answers or have a lot more questions. I’m seeking something...something which I can’t explain in great detail. Not entirely about getting all the answers, but more about the reasoning and logic behind it.
And again, no, I am not going crazy or losing my mind. This is very different for me. I am as straight laced as they come. I walk the line and very rarely deviate from it. It’s not a mid-life crisis…that would me buying a Porsche. This is something that I think would be fun, intriguing, exciting and a little scary…definitely outside of my personal comfort zone.
The hard part seems to be finding a “legitimate” hypnotist. I can’t help but laugh at that sentence myself…a “legitimate” Hypnotist as opposed to a carnival side show act…nice.
Keep or Trade In
I want to get rid of our family Van. We have a 2004 Honda Odyssey van and don’t get me wrong it has been great to us, their isn’t a thing wrong with it and it runs perfect. Jen was the primary driver of the van.
I sold our 1997 Honda Accord in October of 2009 and bought a new Honda Pilot. I felt a little guilty about buying a new car, but I drove the Accord for 12 years…it was time. I wanted another car (Accord) but the girls said they wanted to “ride up high” so I purchased the Pilot. We all love the Pilot…every time we go somewhere I say lets take the van and the girls say no, we want to ride in the Pilot. Since October I have filled up the gas tank ONCE in the van. I have put maybe 200 miles on it since October.
So I want to trade it in for a car. When I told Abbie she was fine. When I told Allie she got really upset. The van was Mommy’s car, we should keep it. I mean she went on and on how she wanted to keep the van, it reminded her of Mommy, it’s very special to us, she wanted to keep the van until she could drive etc… I didn’t have the heart to tell her that No teenager wants to drive a van. She I’m in a little bit of a predicament – do I keep the van or trade it in for a car.
Here is why I want a car…my own internal reasoning. The Pilot has been awesome this winter. If their was ever a winter where a 4wd vehicle was needed it was this current winter here in the Burgh. The Pilot is awesome but doesn’t get great gas mileage. I want to car to drive in the summer months and the Pilot for the winter months. And No, I’m not talking about a Porsche or a BMW; I’m talking about either a Honda or an Acura (the luxury Honda).
So, I know I’m being very superficial about this. Times are tough and many people are out of work and can’t even afford the essentials and here I am whining about buying a car. So I start to second myself and tell myself to stop being so damn selfish. Then the other part of me says go and do something nice for yourself… and just buy it.
My biggest fear is that Allie resents the hell out of me for trading in “Mom’s van” and buying a car. So I’m torn between the guilt of making a frivolous purchase that would make me happy or hanging onto a vehicle, that no one will drive, just to make my youngest daughter happy. It sound silly, but this is what’s going through my head…keep or trade…that’s the big question at the moment.
I sold our 1997 Honda Accord in October of 2009 and bought a new Honda Pilot. I felt a little guilty about buying a new car, but I drove the Accord for 12 years…it was time. I wanted another car (Accord) but the girls said they wanted to “ride up high” so I purchased the Pilot. We all love the Pilot…every time we go somewhere I say lets take the van and the girls say no, we want to ride in the Pilot. Since October I have filled up the gas tank ONCE in the van. I have put maybe 200 miles on it since October.
So I want to trade it in for a car. When I told Abbie she was fine. When I told Allie she got really upset. The van was Mommy’s car, we should keep it. I mean she went on and on how she wanted to keep the van, it reminded her of Mommy, it’s very special to us, she wanted to keep the van until she could drive etc… I didn’t have the heart to tell her that No teenager wants to drive a van. She I’m in a little bit of a predicament – do I keep the van or trade it in for a car.
Here is why I want a car…my own internal reasoning. The Pilot has been awesome this winter. If their was ever a winter where a 4wd vehicle was needed it was this current winter here in the Burgh. The Pilot is awesome but doesn’t get great gas mileage. I want to car to drive in the summer months and the Pilot for the winter months. And No, I’m not talking about a Porsche or a BMW; I’m talking about either a Honda or an Acura (the luxury Honda).
So, I know I’m being very superficial about this. Times are tough and many people are out of work and can’t even afford the essentials and here I am whining about buying a car. So I start to second myself and tell myself to stop being so damn selfish. Then the other part of me says go and do something nice for yourself… and just buy it.
My biggest fear is that Allie resents the hell out of me for trading in “Mom’s van” and buying a car. So I’m torn between the guilt of making a frivolous purchase that would make me happy or hanging onto a vehicle, that no one will drive, just to make my youngest daughter happy. It sound silly, but this is what’s going through my head…keep or trade…that’s the big question at the moment.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Many Lives, Many Masters
Preface
So I just finished a book entitled “Many Lives, Many Masters”. It was referred to me by a fellow blogger (Amy, of Callapitter -- http://callapitter46.blogspot.com/). Over the holiday break I saw an article in the newspaper about Amy and read every word. Her story inspired me to take this whole Blog thing more seriously and really use it as a tool and as an outlet to express some of what I was feeling.
Amy and I traded emails and she recommended this book. She said it might help alleviate some of my fears and concerns about what I wrote about Jen not being baptized and that I had been…and me not being able to join my true soul mate when I pass someday.
PLEASE keep in mind this is my own personal opinion…
Summary
I read the book and was quite intrigued. Basically it deals with the concept of souls being reincarnated and being sent back down to another body so that souls can continue to learn and teach other souls. Me, being me, I am highly skeptical of course. The doctor that wrote the book obtained his findings from a patient whom he hypnotized in an attempt to treat after conventional practices failed. While under hypnosis all this stuff started happening to this patient, stuff that conventional therapy could not explain.
It definitely made me think and questions some things, and it was an interesting read. One concept was that souls reincarnate together. Your grandmother could be reincarnated as your son, daughter, your brother or sister etc. Souls continue to learn and evolve and teach things to other souls. Your physical body is only a placeholder for the soul. The soul then moves on after it has learned the lesson that it was sent to absorb.
An example it speaks about is why Mothers and Fathers are so different then Grandparents or Aunt and Uncles – because their souls have leaned and continue to learn. How a son could despise his Father yet love his Grandfather because the soul inside the Grandfather is learning a different lesson.
Some Questions…
What lesson is my soul learning from all of this? What did Jen learn before she passed? I find it hard to believe that Jen had nothing else to learn or teach someone. Like me for instance, or is it that I have to go through all of this to learn some lesson for my soul?
So if this book is true I can look forward to meeting Jen’s soul again and learning and teaching other souls in another life…
Findings…
The doctor who wrote the book has now “treated” over 4,000 stories of souls from previous lives from all his patients. He has some interesting stories from some of his patients and he openly admits that he was highly skeptical but couldn’t help get hooked on this occurrence.
Closing
I would recommend the book for anyone who is looking for answers or who doesn’t like the current answers that are out there. I am keeping an open mind…but I’m not done looking for more answers…
So I just finished a book entitled “Many Lives, Many Masters”. It was referred to me by a fellow blogger (Amy, of Callapitter -- http://callapitter46.blogspot.com/). Over the holiday break I saw an article in the newspaper about Amy and read every word. Her story inspired me to take this whole Blog thing more seriously and really use it as a tool and as an outlet to express some of what I was feeling.
Amy and I traded emails and she recommended this book. She said it might help alleviate some of my fears and concerns about what I wrote about Jen not being baptized and that I had been…and me not being able to join my true soul mate when I pass someday.
PLEASE keep in mind this is my own personal opinion…
Summary
I read the book and was quite intrigued. Basically it deals with the concept of souls being reincarnated and being sent back down to another body so that souls can continue to learn and teach other souls. Me, being me, I am highly skeptical of course. The doctor that wrote the book obtained his findings from a patient whom he hypnotized in an attempt to treat after conventional practices failed. While under hypnosis all this stuff started happening to this patient, stuff that conventional therapy could not explain.
It definitely made me think and questions some things, and it was an interesting read. One concept was that souls reincarnate together. Your grandmother could be reincarnated as your son, daughter, your brother or sister etc. Souls continue to learn and evolve and teach things to other souls. Your physical body is only a placeholder for the soul. The soul then moves on after it has learned the lesson that it was sent to absorb.
An example it speaks about is why Mothers and Fathers are so different then Grandparents or Aunt and Uncles – because their souls have leaned and continue to learn. How a son could despise his Father yet love his Grandfather because the soul inside the Grandfather is learning a different lesson.
Some Questions…
What lesson is my soul learning from all of this? What did Jen learn before she passed? I find it hard to believe that Jen had nothing else to learn or teach someone. Like me for instance, or is it that I have to go through all of this to learn some lesson for my soul?
So if this book is true I can look forward to meeting Jen’s soul again and learning and teaching other souls in another life…
Findings…
The doctor who wrote the book has now “treated” over 4,000 stories of souls from previous lives from all his patients. He has some interesting stories from some of his patients and he openly admits that he was highly skeptical but couldn’t help get hooked on this occurrence.
Closing
I would recommend the book for anyone who is looking for answers or who doesn’t like the current answers that are out there. I am keeping an open mind…but I’m not done looking for more answers…
Monday, March 1, 2010
Thank You
I wanted to say “thank you” for all the messages and emails that people sent me. I whole heartedly appreciate it.
One of the best messages I got was from someone who said that they were arguing with their spouse over some stupid trivial things. The person that emailed me said that they read my blog and went to their spouse and said something like “let’s not fight over this”. So that’s cool…if someone was touched enough to get over whatever they were fighting from my words and made up that makes me feel good.
This past weekend was tough…hopefully I will break out of feeling like a miserable bastard and start to feel better. It does seem like every month brings some new “memory challenge”.
February – Six months
March – Jen’s birthday
April – Easter
May – Mother’s day
June – Father’s day, Allie’s B-day
July – Wedding anniversary
August – Abbie’s B-day, One year
September…ah, finally…
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