Let me just come out and say it...I don't like being alone. Don't get me wrong I like my alone time, but I do not like being alone for long periods of time. I grew up on only child and never liked being alone. Let me offer some additional background for perspective...
I took Jen to all of her chemo treatments, appointments etc. We were always the youngest people there. Whether it was sitting in a waiting room, or in the treatment area, we were always the couple that looked out of place. I can even remember an older woman asking us one time if we were there to pick someone up because Jen never looked sick. Jen had very thick hair and was able to cover up the areas where her hair fell out while she had radiation and chemo. She often joked how the chemo diet was really working for her because even though she was fighting a serious condition, she looked awesome.
We both absolutely dreaded going to Hillman for her treatments. To clarify, the Hillman Cancer Center in Pittsburgh is a total first class establishment. The staff and the facility were always so nice and courteous to both of us, but sitting there surrounded by sick people was hard. For the most part everyone was 20+ years older than us, coughing, hacking, vomiting, it was a ward of sick people...it was tough.
I went to every session because that is what a husband does. I never felt like I had to go, I just went because no way was I going to let her go through this horrible experience with me being there...that's probably another whole blog entry.
Anyway, every time we went to a treatment we would be there all day. I would mostly sit and offer support and get anything that she needed. After a while my mind would wander...and start to think. What happens if I get cancer...who will take me for treatments...who will take care of me? I don't want to sound selfish, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have those thoughts.
I'm a firm believer that their is someone for everyone in this whacked out world...and that most people do NOT find that certain someone (hence the high divorce rate, the cheaters, infidelity, etc). Well, I did, I found the person that I was supposed to be with, and she's gone. I found her, we fell in love and she died...and when she died so did a huge piece of me.
I dislike being alone...
Billy~ I just got the email about your blog. I read the entire thing as did my husband. your story has always ellicited very deep emotions for me and today was no different. I just want to add this to your thoughts: I understand your frustration and the need to be "inspired" but please also accept the fact that YOU are inspiring so many just by telling us your thoughts out loud. It makes US stop for a moment and put our own thoughts and actions in "perspective"
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your site with me. I agree with your thoughts and comments-no judgements from me. You and Jenn we very lucky to have found each other and it sucks that such a wonderful couple with a beautiful family would not get the opportunity to have more time together! However, you made the most of the time you did have together- as you said- many people never find their soul mate and settle.
ReplyDeleteI have many connections to your story although really not the same- when I lost my dad, I was very frustrated too about many aspects- But I think of him every day even to this day- I've never dreamed of him but when I see a hawk I know its him telling me he's ok and usually happens when I am stressed or upset about something and its comforting, one of my friends believes when she sees a cardinal its her grandma, so I am sure you see signs they are there, they just aren't where you try to see them at first.
As Laura stated above, you are an inspiration to us all. Keep up your strength