As stupid as it sounds...this is a very monumental milestone for me... I changed my FaceBook status tonight. It sounds so silly and minor yet I waited a year to do it.
Here are the messages you get when you change your status.
Status change to Widowed:
Your relationship with Jennifer Heid Applegate will be canceled upon saving.
Why...WHY does this bother me so much...I don't want to cancel my relationship...I just think it's a very poor choice of words. My "relationship" will never be cancelled...because I have two amazing children whom I wouldn't have if not for my wife.
OR
You can change your status to Blank and here is the message:
We will request confirmation of this relationship change from Jennifer Heid Applegate upon saving.
Yeah, you can request all you want...my wife died...you won't be receiving a conformation request from her.
Again, very insensitive...and a little frustrating...whatever...maybe I'm reading way too much into it...it's been a year...it's been a year...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
A Year
I have written and rewritten this entry multiple times. I have much to say but honestly, I’m struggling with how to express it.
One year ago today Jen passed away. I am NOT doing anything special today. I choose NOT to commemorate the day my wife died. I would prefer to remember her vibrant spirit, full of energy smile and the person that she was on a day like her birthday or Mother’s day…not the day she was taken away from us.
I think we are doing okay, the girls and me. Abbie knows that Jen passed away right after her birthday and we have talked about it. She even knows that today is the day Jen died. She’s such an amazing and mature little girl. Allie is what I would classify a typical carefree 6year old kid. She’s full of life and energy and seems to be doing well.
I was going to write all this profound stuff but honestly, I can't find the right words. We miss you Jen and we love you...we do. I hope that wherever you are...that you are at peace.
One year ago today Jen passed away. I am NOT doing anything special today. I choose NOT to commemorate the day my wife died. I would prefer to remember her vibrant spirit, full of energy smile and the person that she was on a day like her birthday or Mother’s day…not the day she was taken away from us.
I think we are doing okay, the girls and me. Abbie knows that Jen passed away right after her birthday and we have talked about it. She even knows that today is the day Jen died. She’s such an amazing and mature little girl. Allie is what I would classify a typical carefree 6year old kid. She’s full of life and energy and seems to be doing well.
I was going to write all this profound stuff but honestly, I can't find the right words. We miss you Jen and we love you...we do. I hope that wherever you are...that you are at peace.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Busy Week, Busy Weekend
Week
I had dinner last week with a couple of the people in my Caring Place session. It was nice to get out and see them in a social setting. We had dinner and talked about things…how things were going, the good, the bad and everything in between. The folks I met up with are also going back for another session at the Caring Place in the fall so it will be nice to have some familiar faces in the sessions.
It’s a different kind of club. People who have lost a spouse “get it” and understand “it”. It’s different from getting divorced or just having things not work out. It’s hard to explain but nice to know others are in your situation. My point being that it’s just nice to meet other folks who are like you and are doing okay.
Weekend
What a busy weekend...in chronological order.
Helped a friend move on Friday (including packing and unpacking), Allie attended a birthday party on Saturday in the early afternoon, hosted a birthday party for thirteen people for the family patriarch (Jen’s Grandfather - was his 98th b-day), Abbie had a birthday party to attend on Sunday, squeezed in some quality pool time on Sunday afternoon, grilled up some dinner on Sunday night with good friends and wrapped up with the NFL pre-season kickoff in the evening to end a whirlwind weekend.
Okay, probably about 20 grammatical errors in that long winded sentence / paragraph but that was the weekend…And of course…I have to mention that the weekend is NOT successful without the help of my family and friends. Everyone pitched in to help with the organization, the setup, cleanup and everything else. It was truly an exercise in cross-dependency collaboration amongst family and friends.
I had dinner last week with a couple of the people in my Caring Place session. It was nice to get out and see them in a social setting. We had dinner and talked about things…how things were going, the good, the bad and everything in between. The folks I met up with are also going back for another session at the Caring Place in the fall so it will be nice to have some familiar faces in the sessions.
It’s a different kind of club. People who have lost a spouse “get it” and understand “it”. It’s different from getting divorced or just having things not work out. It’s hard to explain but nice to know others are in your situation. My point being that it’s just nice to meet other folks who are like you and are doing okay.
Weekend
What a busy weekend...in chronological order.
Helped a friend move on Friday (including packing and unpacking), Allie attended a birthday party on Saturday in the early afternoon, hosted a birthday party for thirteen people for the family patriarch (Jen’s Grandfather - was his 98th b-day), Abbie had a birthday party to attend on Sunday, squeezed in some quality pool time on Sunday afternoon, grilled up some dinner on Sunday night with good friends and wrapped up with the NFL pre-season kickoff in the evening to end a whirlwind weekend.
Okay, probably about 20 grammatical errors in that long winded sentence / paragraph but that was the weekend…And of course…I have to mention that the weekend is NOT successful without the help of my family and friends. Everyone pitched in to help with the organization, the setup, cleanup and everything else. It was truly an exercise in cross-dependency collaboration amongst family and friends.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Featured Dad
A couple of months ago I was contacted by the person who founded and runs a website for Single Dad’s.
The website is:
http://www.singlesuperdad.com/
I was skeptical at first but after trading emails back and forth and browsing through the website I was impressed. It’s a great resource for Single Father’s. I was asked to consider being a “Featured Dad” and at first didn’t feel worthy of an honor like that. After talking about it with a good friend of mine I submitted my story to the editor of the site.
So, for the month of August 2010 - I am the Featured Dad of the Month on Single Super Dad’s.com…check it out…the article is too long to post on the blog so you will have to follow the link to the site.
The website is:
http://www.singlesuperdad.com/
I was skeptical at first but after trading emails back and forth and browsing through the website I was impressed. It’s a great resource for Single Father’s. I was asked to consider being a “Featured Dad” and at first didn’t feel worthy of an honor like that. After talking about it with a good friend of mine I submitted my story to the editor of the site.
So, for the month of August 2010 - I am the Featured Dad of the Month on Single Super Dad’s.com…check it out…the article is too long to post on the blog so you will have to follow the link to the site.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
July Recap
July was a very busy month…
Started with the Fourth, which turned out to be really nice and ended with an awesome trip up to Northern Michigan with some very special friends. In the middle, my cousin my cousin, his wife and their daughter came out for a long weekend and it was really nice. My cousin was like my little brother growing up so it was really cool to hang out for a long weekend and show him and his family a little bit of the Burgh even with every roadway in the ENTIRE eastern region of the Burgh under construction…thank you Pen Dot.
I also survived my birthday and what would have been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I did good on both days. Birthdays get much less eventful as you get older although my girls made sure we had a cake and marked the occasion. The wedding anniversary was okay. Last year's was much tougher. Jen was restricted to a bed and wasn’t really talking so it was hard. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about what I’m going to say next. I will never forget the date, but I’m not sure I want to be reminded about it either.
It was one of the happiest days of my life when we got married. We were young, so full of life, confident about our future and obviously very much in love. I will never forget that…never. But what I think about now is the last anniversary we spent together. The one where Jen couldn’t even talk to me, where she was in bed looking up at me with glassy far away eyes and we both knew the end was inevitable.
Okay, okay…enough of the downer material…onto happier thoughts…as I said I survived July…now onto August. Abbie’s birthday is quickly approaching and I’m also determined to see to it that she has an awesome time. After that is the One-year, mark of Jen’s passing. I can’t write about it yet because I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. A good friend of mine asked what am I doing to commemorate the day - honestly, I don’t know. I may want to just be alone, I may want to be around family and friends, I may go to work just to occupy my mind and time…I just don’t know yet.
In any event, I know I will be okay. There are many reasons as to why, which I will share later in other posts. I have all sorts of very positive things going on in my life at the moment. August will be just as busy, if not busier then July, and school starts at the end of the month. Just the other day someone asked how I was doing and I said, “I’m doing okay, actually better then okay, I’m doing good”. To which they replied, “yeah, I believe you now, I didn’t before, but you seem much better now”. I am better folks…I’m actually starting to smile again and feel better about things,
Started with the Fourth, which turned out to be really nice and ended with an awesome trip up to Northern Michigan with some very special friends. In the middle, my cousin my cousin, his wife and their daughter came out for a long weekend and it was really nice. My cousin was like my little brother growing up so it was really cool to hang out for a long weekend and show him and his family a little bit of the Burgh even with every roadway in the ENTIRE eastern region of the Burgh under construction…thank you Pen Dot.
I also survived my birthday and what would have been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I did good on both days. Birthdays get much less eventful as you get older although my girls made sure we had a cake and marked the occasion. The wedding anniversary was okay. Last year's was much tougher. Jen was restricted to a bed and wasn’t really talking so it was hard. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about what I’m going to say next. I will never forget the date, but I’m not sure I want to be reminded about it either.
It was one of the happiest days of my life when we got married. We were young, so full of life, confident about our future and obviously very much in love. I will never forget that…never. But what I think about now is the last anniversary we spent together. The one where Jen couldn’t even talk to me, where she was in bed looking up at me with glassy far away eyes and we both knew the end was inevitable.
Okay, okay…enough of the downer material…onto happier thoughts…as I said I survived July…now onto August. Abbie’s birthday is quickly approaching and I’m also determined to see to it that she has an awesome time. After that is the One-year, mark of Jen’s passing. I can’t write about it yet because I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. A good friend of mine asked what am I doing to commemorate the day - honestly, I don’t know. I may want to just be alone, I may want to be around family and friends, I may go to work just to occupy my mind and time…I just don’t know yet.
In any event, I know I will be okay. There are many reasons as to why, which I will share later in other posts. I have all sorts of very positive things going on in my life at the moment. August will be just as busy, if not busier then July, and school starts at the end of the month. Just the other day someone asked how I was doing and I said, “I’m doing okay, actually better then okay, I’m doing good”. To which they replied, “yeah, I believe you now, I didn’t before, but you seem much better now”. I am better folks…I’m actually starting to smile again and feel better about things,
Monday, July 26, 2010
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Saturday, July 10, 2010
What Stage of Grief Are You In?
A good friend of mine asked me an excellent question - "what stage of grief are you in"? It really got me thinking...Their are varied definitions of the stages of Grief..Here are just a few:
The five stages of grief:
• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
Some More:
• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.
I'm an Engineer so I love this graph
1. Shock: Anesthetized against the overwhelming loss. Not comprehending and not able to face the full magnitude of it.
2. EMOTIONAL RELEASE: Beginning to realize how dreadful the loss is. Venting or releasing these feelings is better than trying to repress them.
3. DEPRESSION, LONELINESS AND UTTER ISOLATION: Feeling of “No help for me.” Down in the depths of despair. Should know this is a NORMAL feeling. Aided by EXPRESSED CONCERN.
4. PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS: “Ill” with symptoms related to the loss. Best help is to understand the grief process.
5. PANIC: Convinced “something is wrong with me” as a person, can concentrate on little else. May fear losing the mind.
6. GUILT FEELINGS: May recall own past neglect, mistreatment, or wrong to the deceased. Wrongs may be imaginary or exaggerated. But they may be REAL wrongs with REAL guilt. Confession and unburdening of real guilt gives best relief. “Forgiveness” of real wrongs, as if they were imaginary, is no adequate solution.
7. HOSTILITY: Feeling better leads to expressing self more actively. Hostile expressions toward those who “caused” the loss are common. Such hostility is normal but not to be encouraged.
8. INABILITY TO RENEW NORMAL ACTIVITIES: Cannot get back to “business as usual.” Must bear loss alone, since others are back to normal activities. Need encouragement to face new realities, not to be sheltered from them.
9. GRADUAL OVERCOMING OF GRIEF: Emotional balance returns little by little, like healing of a physical would. Rate varies with individuals.
10. READJUSTMENT TO THE NEW REALITIES
This is one of the best descriptions that I have come across - it truly captures it...
Great Description
Grief is not an elevator ride. You cannot get on and off at the appropriate floor. Likewise, it is not a racetrack where you circle continually but never really get ahead. Grief is a spiral. It denotes movement and progress through a slow dance with repeated partners. Two steps forward, one step back. Until one day, you find the music has ended and you are free to carry on at a usual pace. But don’t be surprised if at some unexpected moment you hear an old tune and find yourself locking arms with sorrow for one last round; because a spiral also denotes cycles and repetition. And the process of grief, though it moves, moves in cycles.
A Few Things You Need to Know
Yes, the cycle of grief is a real thing. Pick a definition and cycle it doesn't really matter - bottom line it's real and yes it's out there...
Second, the cycle is totally, and I mean totally unpredictable. You never know when or how it will affect you at any given time.
I could be standing in line at Target, or grocery shopping at and you see a Mom with her kids, you hear a song on the radio, you see a stupid commercial on TV, I hope you get the picture. It's TOTALLY random, unpredictable, and uncontrollable, it's friggin nerve wracking and to a detailed planner / control freak like myself it's horrible.
I like to think I am doing better than most. I think I am ahead of the curve and capable of handling the situation for multiple reasons. I honestly do think I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I should be and I have said why on past blog entries.
Jen and I got to have the "hard and difficult" conversations that I hope YOU readers NEVER have to have with you loved one. But the fact that we did talk about it meant so, so much...to both of us. I sincerely believe that it brought Jen some sort of inner peace in talking about it and deep down I think she knew that whenever I said that I did not and could not want to have the conversation - she looked at me and said "yes, we need to talk about this and we need to talk about it today".
I make no bones about it...my wife was stronger, and more prepared than me, she was more in tuned to what was happening and she was not afraid of anything. SHE prepared ME and the girls for this journey after her departure and for that; I will always be thankful and grateful.
So now...back to the original question posed by my good friend..."what stage am I in"? My answer would be the following and here is why...
I'm the following stage:
Stage 9. GRADUAL OVERCOMING OF GRIEF: Emotional balance returns little by little, like healing of a physical would. Rate varies with individuals.
Stage 10. READJUSTMENT TO THE NEW REALITIES
OR
The ACCEPTANCE Stage: Finally finding the way forward
In my opinion, it would be a total disservice to the memory of my wife to sit around and be depressed for the rest of my life. AND I have these two amazing little girls that absolutely need a strong and positive influence in their lives. Please, PLEASE I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea on this - I will NEVER let my girls forget whom their Mother was. I can't and I won't...I loved Jen too much to let that ever happen...but flat out refuse to let this be the defining moment of their young lives...if I allowed that to happen...Jen would never forgive me.
Man...Such a rambling post...I hope this makes sense to those who read it...
The five stages of grief:
• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
Some More:
• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.
I'm an Engineer so I love this graph
1. Shock: Anesthetized against the overwhelming loss. Not comprehending and not able to face the full magnitude of it.
2. EMOTIONAL RELEASE: Beginning to realize how dreadful the loss is. Venting or releasing these feelings is better than trying to repress them.
3. DEPRESSION, LONELINESS AND UTTER ISOLATION: Feeling of “No help for me.” Down in the depths of despair. Should know this is a NORMAL feeling. Aided by EXPRESSED CONCERN.
4. PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS: “Ill” with symptoms related to the loss. Best help is to understand the grief process.
5. PANIC: Convinced “something is wrong with me” as a person, can concentrate on little else. May fear losing the mind.
6. GUILT FEELINGS: May recall own past neglect, mistreatment, or wrong to the deceased. Wrongs may be imaginary or exaggerated. But they may be REAL wrongs with REAL guilt. Confession and unburdening of real guilt gives best relief. “Forgiveness” of real wrongs, as if they were imaginary, is no adequate solution.
7. HOSTILITY: Feeling better leads to expressing self more actively. Hostile expressions toward those who “caused” the loss are common. Such hostility is normal but not to be encouraged.
8. INABILITY TO RENEW NORMAL ACTIVITIES: Cannot get back to “business as usual.” Must bear loss alone, since others are back to normal activities. Need encouragement to face new realities, not to be sheltered from them.
9. GRADUAL OVERCOMING OF GRIEF: Emotional balance returns little by little, like healing of a physical would. Rate varies with individuals.
10. READJUSTMENT TO THE NEW REALITIES
This is one of the best descriptions that I have come across - it truly captures it...
Great Description
Grief is not an elevator ride. You cannot get on and off at the appropriate floor. Likewise, it is not a racetrack where you circle continually but never really get ahead. Grief is a spiral. It denotes movement and progress through a slow dance with repeated partners. Two steps forward, one step back. Until one day, you find the music has ended and you are free to carry on at a usual pace. But don’t be surprised if at some unexpected moment you hear an old tune and find yourself locking arms with sorrow for one last round; because a spiral also denotes cycles and repetition. And the process of grief, though it moves, moves in cycles.
A Few Things You Need to Know
Yes, the cycle of grief is a real thing. Pick a definition and cycle it doesn't really matter - bottom line it's real and yes it's out there...
Second, the cycle is totally, and I mean totally unpredictable. You never know when or how it will affect you at any given time.
I could be standing in line at Target, or grocery shopping at and you see a Mom with her kids, you hear a song on the radio, you see a stupid commercial on TV, I hope you get the picture. It's TOTALLY random, unpredictable, and uncontrollable, it's friggin nerve wracking and to a detailed planner / control freak like myself it's horrible.
I like to think I am doing better than most. I think I am ahead of the curve and capable of handling the situation for multiple reasons. I honestly do think I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I should be and I have said why on past blog entries.
Jen and I got to have the "hard and difficult" conversations that I hope YOU readers NEVER have to have with you loved one. But the fact that we did talk about it meant so, so much...to both of us. I sincerely believe that it brought Jen some sort of inner peace in talking about it and deep down I think she knew that whenever I said that I did not and could not want to have the conversation - she looked at me and said "yes, we need to talk about this and we need to talk about it today".
I make no bones about it...my wife was stronger, and more prepared than me, she was more in tuned to what was happening and she was not afraid of anything. SHE prepared ME and the girls for this journey after her departure and for that; I will always be thankful and grateful.
So now...back to the original question posed by my good friend..."what stage am I in"? My answer would be the following and here is why...
I'm the following stage:
Stage 9. GRADUAL OVERCOMING OF GRIEF: Emotional balance returns little by little, like healing of a physical would. Rate varies with individuals.
Stage 10. READJUSTMENT TO THE NEW REALITIES
OR
The ACCEPTANCE Stage: Finally finding the way forward
In my opinion, it would be a total disservice to the memory of my wife to sit around and be depressed for the rest of my life. AND I have these two amazing little girls that absolutely need a strong and positive influence in their lives. Please, PLEASE I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea on this - I will NEVER let my girls forget whom their Mother was. I can't and I won't...I loved Jen too much to let that ever happen...but flat out refuse to let this be the defining moment of their young lives...if I allowed that to happen...Jen would never forgive me.
Man...Such a rambling post...I hope this makes sense to those who read it...
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