Grey

I’m present and accounted for, but not really here? That is what I feel like. I’m here, but not really here. I go through the motions, fulfill my commitments but I’m just not there. It’s strange for me…I’m a very passionate person. I dump my heart and soul into everything I do…to a fault at times. Now, I just don’t feel anything, sort of like a huge void, or sort of grey.


During the 22 months between Jen’s diagnosis and her passing, my friends and coworkers kept waiting for me to lose it or fall apart. I did not…I could not…I had to remain focused or taking care of Jen. Now, I feel neither focused nor productive – I just feel empty.

I am a yeller and screamer…not the best practice I know but that comes from being a passionate person. It’s difficult for me to hide what I’m feeling. Anyone who knows me well also knows I am as easy to read as a book. I just don’t yell or scream any more. Honestly, I don’t have anything worth yelling or screaming about. Things that use to drive me crazy just don’t seem to bother me as much. I just have a different view and perspective now…and time will tell whether I like it, accept it or change it and go back to how I use to be.

For now…it’s just a shade of grey.