I thought I would take this opportunity with this entry to answer some questions that have been asked to me via email and in person. I don’t mind answering them and some of these questions are the very reason I started blogging. I hope no one gets offended in any way…
Before I Answer
I am reading books on some interesting topics including:
- Past life regressions
- What happens to the soul?
- Dreams
- Interpretations of God
I’m reading these books to get a better perspective and hopefully a better understanding. I do NOT expect to find answers – initially I did. I realize NOW that I most likely already know the answers I just need to come to terms with them and accept them. I am not losing my mind or anything of that nature, this is just something that I need to do.
Book Update
As for the book that I want to write…it has very little to do with anything that I am currently reading. The book that I want to write is to help some other Dad, Father, Husband, person out there who gets put in a situation similar to mine. I want to write the book that I was looking for…I couldn’t find it… so I want to write it.
Questions
Q: How is the book coming along?
A: I have created an outline with many topics / areas that I want to discuss. I have about 80 pages of notes and ramblings that I need to clean up and organize. YES, I know my grammar is absolutely horrible…after I organize things I will be calling out for some help…someone to proofread and help me clean it up. The writing comes in globs. I will write for three or four nights in a row, and then I hit a wall and have nothing to contribute for a week or so. I am in no hurry, so I am letting this develop naturally.
Q: Do I (me) believe in life after death?
A: I am reading and researching in an attempt to give a proper answer. My answer is different now then it was before this experience. I think your soul moves on…I am trying to find out where, how and when…this answer will be on-going…
Q: When Jen passed, did you see any light in the room or anything of that nature?
A: I did not. I was with her and was totally focused on her – I did not see anything of that nature. Her passing was calm and peaceful.
Q: Have I had any different or unexplained events happen to me?
A1: This is a tough one to answer. Under stress the mind does funny things. A couple of times I have shut off lights and gone downstairs and then forgot something and went back into the same room where I just was and the lights are on. This has happened a few times – is it my mind playing tricks, is it something else…I can’t say. I know what the logical part of me wants to say, but I am seriously trying to keep an open mind.
A2: I have also made comments or asked things like “I wish I knew you were hearing me” to Jen and then a song that has special meaning will come on the radio...coincidence…freaky…who knows…who can say?
Q: Do you talk to Jen
A: Yes, I talk to her. I talk out loud and ask questions as if she can hear me. I don’t know why, but sometimes it does make me feel better.
Q: How are the girls doing?
A: From what I can tell they are doing okay. I listen a lot and reassure them that things are going to be okay. They are both mature little girls for their age and we talk quite a bit, honestly I am impressed but some of the questions they ask. I try to answer as honest as possible tell them how much I love them and how much Mom loved them and is looking out for us.
Q: What do I think of the Caring Place?
A: I was disappointed after the first night - honestly, my expectations were wrong. Since then I actually look forward to each session. The girls love going and making arts and crafts projects. I like going because it’s…sort of nice to be around other folks who have also lost someone special to them. Let me explain because that sounds horrible – I feel totally okay there. I’m not worried that someone is looking at us or about feeling funny. There we are just like everyone else.
Q: Are you coming to grip with your grief?
A: This is probably the toughen question to answer. It is so, so unpredictable. It can hit you at anytime and at anyplace. Let me answer this way…up until a couple of weeks ago I wanted to control my grief. I wanted to dictate when I would allow my self to feel bad, sad, angry etc. It doesn’t work that way. It took me 8+ months to realize that, so in that sense I am handling it better.
Bill,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post, thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your process in this blog – I know it is helping others.
Contemplating the big questions in life does not indicate that you are “losing your mind” – in fact, quite the opposite. It indicates that you are an intelligent, thoughtful and sensitive person who is trying to honestly deal with life’s big questions. I think it’s fantastic that you are exploring those issues and that side of yourself. I will not use this space to go into my personal journey, but you know that I am here for you any time that you want or need someone to talk to. Don’t let anyone deter you on your journey and know that you have a lot of support.
Sounds like you are taking the right approach to writing. I’ve been writing off and on for years now and I have found that the best way is to just let it flow. When it comes, it comes and that means that some days you can’t seem to stop writing and some days you got nothing and that’s okay.
Your girls are blessed to have you – their smiles say it all. They have a wonderful Dad who is making sure that there is much love and joy in their life while also helping them to honestly face the grief that you all are feeling. That is tremendously healthy. Too many people do not face things honestly and while that may work in the short-term, it is like building a house on sand. What you are giving them is a lasting and beautiful gift. They are also blessed to have the legacy that their Mother has given them – a strong, accomplished and loving woman. The world would certainly be a better place if more young girls had that kind of role model to emulate.
It’s natural to want to control our feelings (you and I have talked about being fellow “type a’s” :), but you are right – it doesn’t work that way. Keep exploring healthy outlets for those feelings. As you know, my running has certainly helped me (especially when I am in training), but also my Yoga practice. Yoga has had amazing physical benefits for me, but even more beneficial is the chance my practice gives me every day to check in with myself. This (more than anything) is what helps me to stay open and rise above disappointments (like I talked about in your post – Random Rants, Ramblings and Realizations). Just something to think about…
You and the girls will be in my thoughts this weekend – take care.