Thursday, December 9, 2010

Total Slacker

I have been totally slacking in my updates…blame it on the craziness of the holidays, the cold that has sucked all the energy from me over the last two weeks or the lack of inspiration to sit at a computer while at home…pick one…in any event…here is a quick one.

So I did what so many of us do over the Thanksgiving holiday break…I gathered up the kids and went back home…well, where I grew up, where I was raised, where a majority of my family still lives…I will attempt to explain my hesitation to say “home”.

The Burgh is my “home” now. It’s where I choose to come and it’s where I wanted to raise a family. It’s funny for me to say because I did NOT want to move to Pittsburgh. I said I would go anywhere OTHER then the town of rusted out steel mills and abandoned factories and now I love it here. It truly is an awesome place to raise and family and the people are just…nicer and friendlier.

It’s always great to go back where you grew up, but this (the Burgh) is my home now and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. My friends attempt to sway me back to NJ…but I can’t leave. In some ways it’s very tempting…but I can’t leave, I have roots here now and…honestly the thought has crossed my mind, but I don’t want to leave.

Going Back
It’s always nice to go back where you grew up and see family and friends. Some friends you haven’t seen in years simply because as you get older and kids school, schedules and activities dictate your world. It just always feels awesome when you get together for that few hours and it’s like you never left. You may talk about the same things but the conversation never gets old and doesn’t skip a beat.

Last year it was really hard to go back and see people. I didn’t want people feeling bad or sorry for me but I wear my heart on my sleeve and it was pretty apparent. This year was different. I was happy and it was pretty obvious to see.

New Beginnings and Guilty Feelings
The person that I have been spending a lot of time with, along with her daughter came with us to NJ for the holiday. It was nice…sort of refreshing to have someone else come along. People focused on them and not so much me…and they also picked up on the fact that I seemed much more calm, relaxed…happy. It was nice.

I still catch myself thinking about how different my life is now. How different the girls lives are and how things might have been turned out, but sitting around and dwelling on that sort of stuff…is well….dangerous…at least for me. I am NOT the rah-rah cheerleader type of person, and everyone now and then I catch myself having to kick myself in the butt and say “stop dwelling, move on, it’s going to be okay”. Our lives (me and the girls) are forever changed, but life goes on. I fully intend to make the best out of it.

I find myself feeling really happy and then feeling a little guilty…it’s hard to explain. What I went through changes your view and perspective on many things. I need to go on, but wish I didn’t feel guilty at times about feeling good…about feeling happy. I’m genuinely excited how things are going - it seems to be working out really, really well. I feel very fortunate to have met someone who truly cares for me and the girls.

I have no questions for this entry. No lectures, no big speeches or points of view. I’m not pondering anything super important, no major decisions or thinking about life altering events…I’m…well…just feeling…..happy.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving…


  1. Yeah for happiness!

    And I always love to read/hear when people say how much they like and even love the Burgh. It really is a great place to raise a family. I hope I can stay here with my family until I am old. Glad you can call it home now too!

  2. Hey Bill,

    I feel a bit like a slacker too (well, online :). Work is very, very good for me and while that is a great thing for me and my family it also means that I have been crazy busy lately! I did find the time, however, to host an amazing Thanksgiving at the farm. My family came down and it could not have been any better! I’m so glad to hear that you had a great Thanksgiving too!

    It was really our first Thanksgiving at the farm as in years past we have always gone up to PA to have dinner with my family there. As you know, all of my family is in the “Burgh” and in some sense, going up to visit always feels like coming “home”, but as soon as we near our farm and I see our beautiful mountains I feel a sense of “home” as well. I guess it’s true that home is where the heart is.

    I know that I speak for a lot of your friends when I say how good it is to see you feeling really happy. I can tell from the smiles in your pictures and it is just so good to see. I wish you could experience that feeling without feeling guilty and while my first reaction is to say – you shouldn’t feel guilty – the truth is that you should feel whatever it is you are feeling. Too often we try to fight our feelings (telling ourselves how we “should” feel) instead of just embracing them, moving through them and appreciating them as they are.

    You said it best yourself, in this moment you are…”just feeling happy”…and that’s enough…actually that’s a lot. Like I said in my Thanksgiving post – “It’s all in this moment!” :)


Inside Bill's Head -- Previously Known as (Inside the Head of a Grieving Single Dad)

In August of 2009 my wife Jennifer passed away from an Anaplastic Astrocytoma Brain Tumor. She was only 38 years old. She left me and our two little girls Abbie and Allie to continue life’s journey.

I promised her that I would NOT become angry and bitter about what order to do that I am attempting to write to express my thoughts and feelings.

This site is a place where I can express my thoughts, feelings and rants...