Thursday, December 9, 2010
So I did what so many of us do over the Thanksgiving holiday break…I gathered up the kids and went back home…well, where I grew up, where I was raised, where a majority of my family still lives…I will attempt to explain my hesitation to say “home”.
The Burgh is my “home” now. It’s where I choose to come and it’s where I wanted to raise a family. It’s funny for me to say because I did NOT want to move to Pittsburgh. I said I would go anywhere OTHER then the town of rusted out steel mills and abandoned factories and now I love it here. It truly is an awesome place to raise and family and the people are just…nicer and friendlier.
It’s always great to go back where you grew up, but this (the Burgh) is my home now and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. My friends attempt to sway me back to NJ…but I can’t leave. In some ways it’s very tempting…but I can’t leave, I have roots here now and…honestly the thought has crossed my mind, but I don’t want to leave.
It’s always nice to go back where you grew up and see family and friends. Some friends you haven’t seen in years simply because as you get older and kids school, schedules and activities dictate your world. It just always feels awesome when you get together for that few hours and it’s like you never left. You may talk about the same things but the conversation never gets old and doesn’t skip a beat.
Last year it was really hard to go back and see people. I didn’t want people feeling bad or sorry for me but I wear my heart on my sleeve and it was pretty apparent. This year was different. I was happy and it was pretty obvious to see.
New Beginnings and Guilty Feelings
The person that I have been spending a lot of time with, along with her daughter came with us to NJ for the holiday. It was nice…sort of refreshing to have someone else come along. People focused on them and not so much me…and they also picked up on the fact that I seemed much more calm, relaxed…happy. It was nice.
I still catch myself thinking about how different my life is now. How different the girls lives are and how things might have been turned out, but sitting around and dwelling on that sort of stuff…is well….dangerous…at least for me. I am NOT the rah-rah cheerleader type of person, and everyone now and then I catch myself having to kick myself in the butt and say “stop dwelling, move on, it’s going to be okay”. Our lives (me and the girls) are forever changed, but life goes on. I fully intend to make the best out of it.
I find myself feeling really happy and then feeling a little guilty…it’s hard to explain. What I went through changes your view and perspective on many things. I need to go on, but wish I didn’t feel guilty at times about feeling good…about feeling happy. I’m genuinely excited how things are going - it seems to be working out really, really well. I feel very fortunate to have met someone who truly cares for me and the girls.
I have no questions for this entry. No lectures, no big speeches or points of view. I’m not pondering anything super important, no major decisions or thinking about life altering events…I’m…well…just feeling…..happy.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving…
Inside Bill's Head -- Previously Known as (Inside the Head of a Grieving Single Dad)
In August of 2009 my wife Jennifer passed away from an Anaplastic Astrocytoma Brain Tumor. She was only 38 years old. She left me and our two little girls Abbie and Allie to continue life’s journey.
I promised her that I would NOT become angry and bitter about what happened...in order to do that I am attempting to write to express my thoughts and feelings.
This site is a place where I can express my thoughts, feelings and rants...